I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I came across a post in which someone asked if it was okay for a woman to propose to a man.
It being 2018, it’s no surprise that the majority of comments supported the idea. “There are no rules. Make up your own!” one comment read, while others went on to point out that we were no longer in the 18th century.
I mean, right? Aren’t we too modern to be asking such obvious questions. It’s 2018, people can do whatever they want. Right?
And it is for this reason that I typed my comment with trembling fingers, knowing that I was going to receive some backlash for “being old-fashioned.”
I once had a huge crush (I don’t like the term crush. But it is most fitting here LOL) on a guy at my university who seemed to obviously fancy me too. He was only Christian by lip service but this was a period in which I was struggling with the whole idea of not being unequally yoked. The situation seemed straight forward but it wasn’t exactly so. It took him a while to finally initiate a proper conversation with me. Before that, he would just childishly hint at his interest for me. The signals were unclear because he didn’t really seem to know what he wanted, and didnt take any responsibility for wanting to make a relationship happen.
I was so blinded by the supposed feelings that I had for him, that I would fight within myself almost everyday as to whether or not I should have just approached him. In subtle ways (and in some humiliating ways), I let him know of my interest -but i wanted him to take the lead. I invested a lot of my time, emotions and energy in making sure he saw the green light -and I am sure that, that he did.
Even then, he made no real effort but continued to show painfully obvious signs that he was interested in me. I made many excuses for why he didn’t actively pursue me and rubbished every input by well meaning people in my life who wanted me to see it for what it really was.
It was only after listening to a few sermons on godly manhood, womanhood and courtship that I began to slowly slip back to my senses and all the advice given to me by some of my friends and godly counsel began to form a clearer picture in my head.
I was chasing a boy instead of being pursued by a man. I now cringe when I think about how frustrating it would have been to be in a relationship with said crush.
If you are a Christian and the intent is to have a godly marraige, then modelling the plan which God ordained for marriage will be of your benefit.
Why you shouldn’t pursue him
A man was created to lead
If a man wont even take the initiatve to propose to or pursue a woman then you could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment at his lack of leadership. God created man to lead and thus, a woman’s proposal may set an unhealthy precedent for the resulting marriage.
When a woman proposes to a man, it’s as though she is attempting to lead the man and thus, emasculates him by assuming the mans role as provider, leader, protector…
Wouldn’t you much rather marry a man whom you can trust to lead you and your children, discipling you as a man is called to do.
It will be an endless (one-sided) pursuit
I love what Mark Driscoll says, ” Ladies, don’t chase a man. If you start chasing a man, you’re going to be chasing him the rest of your life!”
If a man doesn’t pursue a woman, he will not appreciate her in the same way and ‘maintaining’ her will be moved to the bottom of his list of priorities. He also won’t make much effort in pursuing a her even in their marriage. Instead, she may find herself constantly craving and hungry for his attention because the desire for his quest will be removed.
You are worth the pursuit
Proverbs 18:22 suggests that men were created to pursue. When you find something, it means that you looked for it.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord.
Don’t you just love the idea of a man winning over your heart? There is a certain dignity and honour given to a woman when she is pursued.
Jesus pursues us daily with his love and we should want our marriages to mirror that.
You should be with someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to have you. That he shouldn’t be willing to risk an opportunity to be with you by actively pursuing you.
You shouldn’t be wasting your time, waiting around for a man who is not willing to go after you.
He doesn’t actually want you
The cold hard truth is this; if a man wants to be with you, he will make it clear and run towards you -not from you. Therefore, if you have to constantly chase after him, he might not want to be caught after all.
All in all
If you are in a similar situation as I was, I would advice you to asses your own heart and make sure not to lose sight of what is important by putting him above Christ. I realize that in my chasing this guy, he began to take first place in my life, and so, I had to run back to God and get my priorities back on track.
I’ve learnt through this experience, to put my complete trust in God by not forcing my desires on Him, and trying to be god over my own life.
If we are being honest, the reason why I we chase after a guy is because we are yet to put our full trust in God.
If you don’t get your way -remember that God is the author of your life and knows what is best for you. He’s perfect plan is at play, and if it is His will that you get married, you will. It’s an all too common pursuit for the single woman/man to make an idol of marriage or relationships. Be careful not to treat it as such.
If you have to constantly question a guys intentions with you or whether or not he is interested in you, you might already have your answer.
Unlike my crush who seemed uncertain of what he wanted, a godly man knows what he wants and is most careful when making the decision to pursue a woman. He will carefully pray and think about it because he is aware of the responsibility that comes with taking on a wife. So, you are secured in knowing that he isn’t playing childish games with your heart. There is an end result he is seeking. You wont have to constantly ask yourself, “Does he like me?” The man that God has for you will be interested in you and will make it clear to you that he wants to pursue you.
Let me make it clear however, that to be pursued does not mean that you sit idly by waiting for the man to do all the work. Relationships are a two way street.